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I’m in bed attached to a pump while I share these. My milk supply has dropped significantly and I’m equally startled and sad. It doesn’t feel right being a mama who wanted to nurse her babies until like 3 years can barely keep milk for 5 months. I’m not letting it win this time though. Even if it means endless pumping and all the supplements and food logs and… all of it.
Like cats, we can always be found in the afternoon sunshine. 😉
February 25th, 2021. Matthias invited me to join him for lunch today, but I had to turn down the sweet offer because leaving our home is just too much to do alone with the two babies— at least today. One day at a time, one day at a time.
I was still mostly on bedrest at two weeks postpartum with Eliot and that’s just not possible this time around, but if I can stay home, that’s at least something. I remember at 19 (and in other years, but for some reason 19 really stands out) I couldn’t stay home, I was always itching to be out & about. Somewhere in the past few years that all changed. I think when I married Matthias— now home is my favorite place in the world, especially when I have all my people here🥰
Mom is coming over this week to help out a few hours a day. Matthias is back to work... like for real. He worked last week, but only a handful of hours a day and from home. So this is different.
Adjusting to two is different than adjusting to one. Is that so obvious that I sound silly for saying it out loud?
Having Eliot was an emotional adjustment (in very happy ways, thankfully). It took time to settle into becoming a mother...
There were definitely physical changes... I mean, we added a whole new person into our life and routines, so, of course. But it felt more spiritually + emotionally shifting than physical adding our firstborn.
Adding Emerson in... well, I’m already a mama. I knew the joy that was coming. It’s been much more of a physical adjustment this time. Not because Emerson is a different newborn, but because we have a 13 month old in the mix. I’m chasing a toddler all day and also up all night. (Ok, not all night... but still.) I’m tired, I’m happy.
some moments that make me happy:
Mom Frost has been with us since very early Tuesday morning right after Emerson arrived. She spent the first week with us after Eliot’s birth and now Emerson’s... and I don’t know how we’d manage without her. She keeps the household running while we spend lots of time in bed just snuggling, bonding, healing.
I’ve spent a lot of late nights on this porch chasing my dreams. I am full of them, alongside hope all packed into my heart.
I am blessed with time freedom because of Young Living, so my days are busy with the things I choose.
I love our days. I love that I get to be in charge of them. I love that I get to prioritize and schedule and consciously decide to be present for Eliot.
But comfortable days aren’t the extent of the dreams I have for myself and my growing family. Comfortable days don’t make me feel proud, because they don’t ask much of me.
Comfortable days don’t leave me feeling the good kind of tired— the kind of tired where you’re so happy to crawl into bed and think... “today, today I did my best. today I lived fully.”
So at night, I work. Eliot goes down, Matthias tucks in, and I am here, on this porch, working.
Work requires different parts of me to show up, stay alive.
Work requires different parts of my mind and spirit. It gives me balance because it draws on parts of me that aren’t awakened by motherhood.
I’m lucky to be able to choose presentness in my motherhood. But I need more than just motherhood - because I am more than just a mother.
I’m grateful I have these nights alone, chasing dreams. I get to set myself on fire and feel passion and exhaustion and it makes me look forward to waking up & doing absolutely nothing but snuggle my baby until 10am.
I think I am living in the best of both worlds.
It’s not even 11pm and I *want* to get up and work on things because I’m dreaming big and I’m excited right now. But I also feel like I need to stay in bed and… well, just be horizontal. I am so tired these days. I am practicing stopping to think and say out loud grateful thoughts when I’m feeling especially unraveled.. I am so blessed to be in this season right now. I don’t want to rush it. But I also want to breathe. And lay on my back. And be able to bend in half. Stuff like that.
Eliot was up at 7:30 because he went down at 6:30 last night. He must be growing! (That is officially the most mom thing I have ever said.) I napped in the afternoon with him but I woke up feeling worse than before. I honestly was so uncomfortable and wanted to be alone and cry. The end of pregnancy makes me weepy. Matthias took Eliot out for an hour and a half and let me be home alone after he was done with work. I watched some videos about blogs, took these photos, opened the Jenna Kutcher Pinterest lab course again, and started on our flatbread pizza dinner with ingredients we had on hand. I’ve been watching so many cooking shows recently. (December off has allowed for this luxury…) My favorites are “Oh Cook” with James May, Chopped (Matthias introduced me to it), and Keep Calm and Cook On. The last is all about making versatile recipes with what you have in your house. It’s exactly what I needed! I can be so wasteful and I want to learn how not to be. I have already learned so much from it.
Made baked beans tonight and they taste like traveling. Beans with breakfast every morning. That was my thing. I loved it! And Texas baked beans are sickingly sweet and just don’t taste the same. I’m so glad I gave it a try! It was super easy and they are so delicious. Ate it with buttered toast as a way too late snack.
Eliot and I went to H‑E‑B around 9am and did some shopping. I wanted to make some Indian dishes and needed fresh ingredients. While we were there I got extra water and cans and cream cheese for coyote tacos. I’ve been thinking often this year about needing a stock. We should probably be more aware of what we have/how much... I decided today I’m just going to pick up two gallon jugs of water per shopping trip until we have the recommended amount of storage on hand. And a couple cans of staple food each time I go wouldn’t be a bad idea either... especially because we do go through them anyway, so it’s not like I’d be wasteful in purchasing a bit extra. I should do some research on how much a family our size should keep and for how long... just in case.
We saw Big Mom and Denét today. We left Eliot’s backpack in NW and needed it. Denét was headed to Big Mom’s anyway, so we made plans and went over for a walk and to play for a bit and to get back the important bag. I’m glad we went. After dropping off lunch for Matthias, we came home for his second nap, my first. By the time we were up again it was 4pm and Matthias was almost on his way home! I picked up as much as I could — our house was a disaster from the explosion of unpacking after Christmas week in Austin. When Matthias made it back and started on dishes for me, it was 5:30. I made us bus station kefta for dinner. Y U M!!! Surprising how happy we are with a meal that is mostly tomatoes since neither of us typically like tomatoes.
This is my last week off... ahhh. January is days away which means: back to real life. To working. I need to start getting up early if I’m going to be productive. Eliot doesn’t let me accomplish much when he’s up. He’s so busy!
it’s not quite magic in that childhood-wonder way, but christmas with family is its own magic.
12/23: Woke up at the Frost’s and went straight to wrapping presents, writing notes, and getting ready for our week away in Austin with my family! When we were packing for the trip last night, I forgot Matthias’ present, so I had to run back to pick it up and print a photo from the Christmas tree farm of Eliot for Big Mom’s stocking gift. We finally left for Austin around 3pm– much later than the 12pm time we assumed, but it worked out. The drive was beautiful, Eliot was easy and sweet as could be, and Matthias and I enjoyed some really wonderful conversation that touched me in deep ways. Talked about childhood, personalities, moments that changed us, highlights in our marriage, and my tendency to carry shame— which brought me to tears, as it always does.
It was good to feel in sync and connected for those hours after a long last week of him working hard and me sick. We’ve been disconnected and have spent too much time with mind numbing television in the evenings instead of doing the work to connect. And it is work— but it’s good. It’s important. It’s necessary. It’s what builds a beautiful life of intimacy and intertwinedness.
at 9am paula called twice and I missed both of them. then she texted — can we have the appointment at your apartment? heck yes, of course! I apologized for missing her calls, got eliot up, and picked up our home while he followed me around undoing everything I was doing. emerson sounds great. we’re 31 weeks (as of yesterday) and he’s measuring 30. makes me nervous that he is measuring small, but paula says that’s normal and if I’m lucky he’ll do lots of growing on the outside. he feels huge to me and it’s hard to swallow that we have 9 weeks left. it feels like a lifetime away, really. this part of our life feels like it’ll always be this way, but I know we’re in such a short, special season and I need to soak it all up as much as I possibly can.
so many special, sweet changes have happened in the last year, two years even. I’m so grateful we started the daily photo project in the middle of our season of hardship and change. it’s so beautiful having so much documented and it makes my heart full. I was driving down 1375 today headed to stubblefield lake recreation area to meet the frosts for dinner (to celebrate tricia being on the last 20 miles of her journey) and I was smiling to myself just driving... driving (almost) alone, looking so absolutely normal on the outside, feeling so explosive on the inside. I feel full, inspired, content, just so glad to be right here, where I am in this season. I am happy and I know happiness is fleeting. so I’m soaking this up. basking in it like it’s the sunshine on my skin warming me a cool march day.
our life is good. I have so much to be grateful for. and this december, this time off... it’s been miraculous for my spirit. I’m enjoying more reading, cooking, and playing with eliot.
oh, and it’s christmas week!
The Christmas festival at The Grounds was a success. I’m so glad I had nothing to do with putting it on. When I said I was done after that Fall Festival, I really meant it. I felt absolutely nothing but joy in being able to attend without having any of the work. Shona though... she was was thriving, shining. Putting together these community events seems to truly bring her to life. We got to see my family, Denét and the girls, the Craigs, and so many others while we were there. I’m so glad we attended. I got to have another incredible bowl of gumbo from Chef Seddy’s truck. YUM. And saw a lot of the vendors from the Fall Festival. Everyone was surprised to see I was still pregnant. It felt weird having to tell them I literally have months left. Am I that huge?? Matthias said it’s just hard to tell the difference between 7 months and 9 months.
first ever bonin sister book club at my moms house. SO HAPPY WE’RE DOING THIS!!!! we kind of majorly failed in making it official or following a plan. annalise hadn’t even started the book we were discussing. and we spent a whole lot of time just chit chatting, talking about christmas, and oohing over Caspian. we’re going to be talking about the same book again at our next meeting next month so we can all finish it. it’s on gratitude. and holy moly... I am feeling convicted. about so many things. I really thought I was a grateful person, but I’m realizing that I’m grateful in my home, as a wife, and as a mother. in other areas, with other people and situations, I let a lot of ingratitude, expectation, and entitlement in. Lord, forgive me. I’m glad this is the book we’re covering, because I didn’t realize how badly I needed it.
we hosted ronnie and lizzie and charlotte for dinner. our first time ever hosting them! what! in our beautiful apartment, gosh, we love it here. we shared an incredible meal of chicken marsala with rice and broccoli, but goodness... it was a mess getting to the final product. I turned brown rice to mush, almost ruined (by burning) the white rice, and burnt the hell out of my fingers when I had a mishap with the cast iron in the oven. Hot mess express.
amber peterson came over for lunch. her first outing since having canaan! what an honor & pleasure for me.
and then I had the joy of hearing emerson’s heartbeat... and matthias got to come! his first midwife appointment this pregnancy. ended the thursday evening celebrating sydnie with a surprise party for her 24th birthday.
“Two sleeps away” (😆) from a month off— like all the way, actually off. Off work, off social media. Present in a different way I need as we approach having Emerson join our family in February. And this is our first Christmas with Eliot; I’m excited to be totally *here* to experience the magic of the holidays alongside my firstborn.
You know when marathoners & half marathoners feel so proud they put those stickers on their cars? “26.2”
Pregnant women do something similar. We get halfway through/towards the end of the pregnancy and start marking every. single. second. Today: 27.2. And forever to go.
A Saturday of mini sessions today... and it actually made me happy. 🥺 I didn’t know if I’d ever feel happy again behind the camera for work.
I stopped shooting professionally because of major burnout. Tired of traveling, weekends away from Matthias, and the stress of the wedding industry just constantly buzzing in my head. I honestly don’t ever see myself shooting weddings again, and I don’t plan on shooting full time - but maybe I’ll open up a couple days a year for mini sessions because this brought me joy 💘
Entering the third trimester tomorrow! This is where it starts to feel real.
I love you at every age, Eliot, but especially at this one. Do I say that every month? 10 months old is so fun. You’re inquisitive and stubborn and quick. You’re my son and you feel like my little friend. So grateful you’re mine.
Kristin & her little gals came over for an easy day of conversation, snacking, and playing in the grass. Didn’t feel like a Thursday at all. 🙂 I’m grateful to do life with likeminded friends & bonus: being in the same business means we never run out of things to do & dream about together 😂
We own a grand piano. Is this a dream?? It was delivered today! It survived! I would be lying if I said I wasn’t stressed about that move.... We hired professionals, but it was a tighttt squeeze down a winding staircase. It has lived on the second floor in a room the shape of Texas its whole life (since 1982)! But now it’s here. A grand piano in our apartment. And it sounds as beautiful as it looks.
A happy Sunday afternoon alone at southern star with the boys. and our last night with the upright!
