December 29th, 2020

It’s not even 11pm and I *want* to get up and work on things because I’m dreaming big and I’m excited right now. But I also feel like I need to stay in bed and… well, just be horizontal. I am so tired these days. I am practicing stopping to think and say out loud grateful thoughts when I’m feeling especially unraveled.. I am so blessed to be in this season right now. I don’t want to rush it. But I also want to breathe. And lay on my back. And be able to bend in half. Stuff like that. 

Eliot was up at 7:30 because he went down at 6:30 last night. He must be growing! (That is officially the most mom thing I have ever said.) I napped in the afternoon with him but I woke up feeling worse than before. I honestly was so uncomfortable and wanted to be alone and cry. The end of pregnancy makes me weepy. Matthias took Eliot out for an hour and a half and let me be home alone after he was done with work. I watched some videos about blogs, took these photos, opened the Jenna Kutcher Pinterest lab course again, and started on our flatbread pizza dinner with ingredients we had on hand. I’ve been watching so many cooking shows recently. (December off has allowed for this luxury…) My favorites are “Oh Cook” with James May, Chopped (Matthias introduced me to it), and Keep Calm and Cook On. The last is all about making versatile recipes with what you have in your house. It’s exactly what I needed! I can be so wasteful and I want to learn how not to be. I have already learned so much from it.

Baked beans

Made baked beans tonight and they taste like traveling. Beans with breakfast every morning. That was my thing. I loved it! And Texas baked beans are sickingly sweet and just don’t taste the same. I’m so glad I gave it a try! It was super easy and they are so delicious. Ate it with buttered toast as a way too late snack.

Eliot and I went to H‑E‑B around 9am and did some shopping. I wanted to make some Indian dishes and needed fresh ingredients. While we were there I got extra water and cans and cream cheese for coyote tacos. I’ve been thinking often this year about needing a stock. We should probably be more aware of what we have/how much... I decided today I’m just going to pick up two gallon jugs of water per shopping trip until we have the recommended amount of storage on hand. And a couple cans of staple food each time I go wouldn’t be a bad idea either... especially because we do go through them anyway, so it’s not like I’d be wasteful in purchasing a bit extra. I should do some research on how much a family our size should keep and for how long... just in case.

We saw Big Mom and Denét today. We left Eliot’s backpack in NW and needed it. Denét was headed to Big Mom’s anyway, so we made plans and went over for a walk and to play for a bit and to get back the important bag. I’m glad we went. After dropping off lunch for Matthias, we came home for his second nap, my first. By the time we were up again it was 4pm and Matthias was almost on his way home! I picked up as much as I could — our house was a disaster from the explosion of unpacking after Christmas week in Austin. When Matthias made it back and started on dishes for me, it was 5:30. I made us bus station kefta for dinner. Y U M!!! Surprising how happy we are with a meal that is mostly tomatoes since neither of us typically like tomatoes. 

This is my last week off... ahhh. January is days away which means: back to real life. To working. I need to start getting up early if I’m going to be productive. Eliot doesn’t let me accomplish much when he’s up. He’s so busy!

Christmas week

it’s not quite magic in that childhood-wonder way, but christmas with family is its own magic.

12/23: Woke up at the Frost’s and went straight to wrapping presents, writing notes, and getting ready for our week away in Austin with my family! When we were packing for the trip last night, I forgot Matthias’ present, so I had to run back to pick it up and print a photo from the Christmas tree farm of Eliot for Big Mom’s stocking gift. We finally left for Austin around 3pm– much later than the 12pm time we assumed, but it worked out. The drive was beautiful, Eliot was easy and sweet as could be, and Matthias and I enjoyed some really wonderful conversation that touched me in deep ways. Talked about childhood, personalities, moments that changed us, highlights in our marriage, and my tendency to carry shame— which brought me to tears, as it always does. 

It was good to feel in sync and connected for those hours after a long last week of him working hard and me sick. We’ve been disconnected and have spent too much time with mind numbing television in the evenings instead of doing the work to connect. And it is work— but it’s good. It’s important. It’s necessary. It’s what builds a beautiful life of intimacy and intertwinedness. 

December 20th, 2020

at 9am paula called twice and I missed both of them. then she texted — can we have the appointment at your apartment? heck yes, of course! I apologized for missing her calls, got eliot up, and picked up our home while he followed me around undoing everything I was doing. emerson sounds great. we’re 31 weeks (as of yesterday) and he’s measuring 30. makes me nervous that he is measuring small, but paula says that’s normal and if I’m lucky he’ll do lots of growing on the outside. he feels huge to me and it’s hard to swallow that we have 9 weeks left. it feels like a lifetime away, really. this part of our life feels like it’ll always be this way, but I know we’re in such a short, special season and I need to soak it all up as much as I possibly can.

so many special, sweet changes have happened in the last year, two years even. I’m so grateful we started the daily photo project in the middle of our season of hardship and change. it’s so beautiful having so much documented and it makes my heart full. I was driving down 1375 today headed to stubblefield lake recreation area to meet the frosts for dinner (to celebrate tricia being on the last 20 miles of her journey) and I was smiling to myself just driving... driving (almost) alone, looking so absolutely normal on the outside, feeling so explosive on the inside. I feel full, inspired, content, just so glad to be right here, where I am in this season. I am happy and I know happiness is fleeting. so I’m soaking this up. basking in it like it’s the sunshine on my skin warming me a cool march day. 

our life is good. I have so much to be grateful for. and this december, this time off... it’s been miraculous for my spirit. I’m enjoying more reading, cooking, and playing with eliot.

oh, and it’s christmas week!

The Christmas Festival

The Christmas festival at The Grounds was a success. I’m so glad I had nothing to do with putting it on. When I said I was done after that Fall Festival, I really meant it. I felt absolutely nothing but joy in being able to attend without having any of the work. Shona though... she was was thriving, shining. Putting together these community events seems to truly bring her to life. We got to see my family, Denét and the girls, the Craigs, and so many others while we were there. I’m so glad we attended. I got to have another incredible bowl of gumbo from Chef Seddy’s truck. YUM. And saw a lot of the vendors from the Fall Festival. Everyone was surprised to see I was still pregnant. It felt weird having to tell them I literally have months left. Am I that huge??  Matthias said it’s just hard to tell the difference between 7 months and 9 months.