This has been a year of less.
Less communicating, less consuming, less distracting myself. Less.
And it’s been a year of more.
More face to face time without interruption, more walks through our forest, more time for joining in free and imaginative play with my boys, more art, more research, more dreaming, more doing. More.
At the end of 2022 I was experiencing that distinct gut feeling (the kind that may as well be a voice speaking audibly to me). I want to get away from the noise.
Specifically because I wanted more space to become mother I dreamed of being.
More living in my day and enjoying it, with all of its slow and mundane qualities (ugh I want this to be romantic, but seriously so much household work is so not), less living in the quick digital universes built for, or by, me.
More time to laugh, less time concerning myself with the worlds problems or trends, political or otherwise.
I’ve always been one to praise the many gifts the internet, and specifically what social media has given us; especially women who choose to stay home with children. So I’m not the person who will poo-poo instagram or facebook in their entirety. It’s thanks to social media that I built two successful businesses back to back that have supported my family in incredible ways.
But… I’ve been peeling back the things outside of motherhood to see who I am inside this role and I’m finding, with guilt… I am not entirely fulfilled in this role; just mother doesn’t seem to keep me interested enough to not need... a nap.
Ouch. I can’t believe I said that out loud.
I assumed motherhood was it. The be-all and end-all. But instead I find the repetitive nature of house work and dirty diapers and meals and meals and meals and dishes and dishes and dishes and, oh my, how does our toilet look like that again? really zaps the life out of me. The management of a household and the needs of toddlers and babies don’t use my favorite skills, or the parts of me that make me feel the most productive, interesting, and creative.
I struggle with fighting the guilty thoughts of "this should be enough" and "some women would give up everything to be mothers" and "God created me for this." But that isn't the whole truth, is it? God created me for so much more in this life, and while motherhood is a beautiful portion, it's not the entirety of my existence.
This last year, stepped back from my entrepreneurial pursuits make more space for mothering, but apparently, I wasn’t specific enough about whatever that was supposed to mean… and social media as default started filling that time. (Mainly sending reels to my BFFs. Hear me out... This was fun.) But no. I flat out refuse to be the social-media-scrolling mom. (No judgements here. Again, I have always found social media useful for business, but I think it’s more of a net negative when I’m using it to consume instead of create.)
I’m just figuring out who I am, who I want to be, and how all of this works in this household with me and our 8 month old, 2 year old, and 3 year old. This last year has been very revealing and I feel like I now understand the direction I want to move forward in. I think, for the first time in a while, I can see clearly the woman I want to grow into next. The wimpy parts of me want to delete the rest of everything I’ve written here and just leave that.
If you haven’t gathered this already, my blogs don’t end with tidy little bows, packaged perfectly with a the formula I’ve figured out or designed to make life better immediately. I wish I was a pro like that. I’m just here writing because I’m an external processor and writing helps me understand and untangle what’s going on inside my own head.
Spending 2023 committed to exploring, learning, and growing. Here’s an abrupt ending to a whole lot of jumbled thoughts. ✌🏻
