This definitely isn’t perfect and we have all our crap to deal with, but we know we’re going to do it together.

Families are a curious concoction of traditions, beliefs, and values, giving birth to their very own, unmistakable culture. 

Family cultures are as diverse as the people who comprise them. It's like a quiet force, guiding the way our families interact and relate to one another.

The thing about family culture is that if you don't actively decide what yours will be, life steps in and makes that decision for you. 

Some families build their lives together around laughter and teasing. Some families build their lives around words of appreciation and kindness. Some families are marked by disconnection, leaving scars that are difficult to heal.

No family is just one thing, honestly. But there are themes that run throughout our lives, and the culture of each family is usually something you can identify and see the influence of throughout a lifetime. 

Children don’t have a say in their family culture.  Some are fortunate to be born into the right circumstances, with loving and caring parents. Others are tiny victims of harsh words, or inattentiveness and carelessness. 

As I stepped into adulthood, I began to understand the power of a strong and nurturing family culture. While my friends grappled with disconnection or uncertainty, I felt a sense of belonging within my own family.

Growing up, even through years my dad was emotionally absent, my mom worked endlessly to create a culture of appreciation and life-giving words. Expressions of love were frequent and heartfelt through my childhood and beyond. 

I don’t want to give the impression there weren’t all the normal family hardships. There were so, so many hard years. There were hurt feelings, misunderstandings, fighting, and everything you’d expect from living and growing in the same home. 

But our family culture centered around putting each other first, speaking slowly when angry, choosing to fight for relationship instead of letting it get lost in life together. ‘This definitely isn’t perfect and we have all our crap to deal with, but we know we’re going to do it together.’

It gave us something to work toward collectively, and that work contributed to my sense of being loved and belonging. 

I’m realizing in most homes, it’s the mom that sets the family culture. (Even if she doesn’t intend to, or know what that means.) It’s mom’s attitude and mood that sets the tone in the home.

Family culture isn’t the same thing as a mood of course though. There are bad days and sour moments, but things find their way back to center more easily when there are clear relationship goals and shared values. We mess it up and get it all wrong at times, but we keep working for it together. It’s our guiding star in the night sky.

‘We choose to speak kind words.’

That doesn’t mean every word I’ve spoken in our home is kind. No, I suck and I’m human too. 

But I know what I am trying to model and teach my children and I can fail and try again. I can tell them clearly I’ve missed the mark and apologize for it.

I'm aware that my actions, attitudes, and behaviors are the biggest influence how my family interacts and responds to various situations. I set the tone for a positive family culture not by being perfect—because perfection isn’t real—but by being intentional and being willing to try again when I miss the mark. 

Matthias and I dream up the kind of relationships we desire with our children, not just in their childhood, but into their adulthood. What kind of relationships are we intentionally building? What are we saying is true for us?

Our target— the family culture we aim for and miss at times, but continue working towards— is one of overflowing grace, overwhelming kindness, words of love and adoration and celebration poured out frequently without expectation. 

We want to be a family that celebrates each other often. Not just the things we do, but the people our children are. 

I want to raise my kids in family culture of lightheartedness and generosity. 

I desire to establish an atmosphere of open communication where everyone feels comfortable expressing their thoughts and feelings. 

I want to create a culture where meeting together often to discuss important things feels normal. 

I want to foster a sense of unity that empowers my children to have a voice in shaping our family culture.

I know I was lucky to be raised in the family I have. I was lucky to have been shown what it looks like even in a difficult marriage, through rocky years, what choosing your family culture can look like. I had that example. 

But I see the moms out there who didn’t have that, and are choosing to do things differently. The ones disadvantaged from the start, hurt in their childhood homes— now creating a new and beautiful legacy for their own households. 

Without an example before them in their mothers, they choose to begin in their own homes, actively cultivating family cultures that uphold values they should’ve been protected with in their own childhoods. I see you. You're doing an incredible work, and I'm proud of you. Your work is so important. 

If you’re in the hard part, in the darkness, there is hope. It’s in the midst of brokenness, we discover the strength of the human spirit to heal.

The work isn’t large, because nothing we do happens all at once or in one large moment. 

The work is just one. decision. at. a. time.

Set intentions. Choose your values. Speak them aloud. Aim to live them out. Your family and the world will be a better place because of these choices.