April 27th, 2022
It’s hard to break old habits. I have a handle on who I want to be and the decisions I need to make to be that person.
But it’s really easy to fall back into waking up in a flurry of what feels like purpose but is more a toxic cocktail of screen time, rushing out the door,
ticking things off my to do list, and not even slowing down enough to hear the still small voice.
What feels like opportunity to have a full life is often just a distraction from the little things that actually make up a fulfilled life.
Reading under the shade of a tree, making a meal with the intention of sitting down and sharing it with my children undistracted, making room for silence and space to listen. Listen to the birds. Listen to the wind. Listen to my children playing.
Listen to God’s whispers. I want margin. I want to create a life with room for life to create.
I’ve spent too many years filling the calendar knowing it would give me a sense of propose but I didn’t know that that purpose was one dimensional and when I finally tapped into living slower and with more intention I found new dimensions altogether. It’s like before I could only touch. But when I do this right, when I live right,
I can taste, touch, smell, and hear. It’s meaning.
Someone asked me recently. How are you? Busy? It came out kind of awkwardly because I’ve idolized busy culture for most of my life, but I said
“No, we’re not busy, but we’re living well.” It’s not that my days aren’t as full of as many tasks as every other wife and mother but I refuse to pin on the tag, busy. I refuse to wear it like a badge of honor when now I know it was a thinly veiled lie,
a way to be distracted from life in the littler things.
I’m spending my time the way I want and paying attention to what adds joy to our life. I’m opting out of grocery pickup and taking time to stroll the aisles of our grocery store with my boys in the cart because it’s special to me. When Eliot was 11 months old and I was just about due with Emerson I I remember telling a friend how much those moments in our HEB meant to me, having Eliot face to face with me, without the discomfort of holding him while so pregnant. It’s so small, but so not. It’s what I call the big little.
And I’m not ignoring in my life anymore. I am looking for, listening for, paying attention to the big little things.
This morning it was making sure I didn’t leave the house without watering the garden. It would’ve been fine without because we finally got some rain, but it’s not just about the garden. It’s about what happens when I go out there. When I take the boys in the wagon and show them with my actions what we’re choosing to prioritize as a family. Responsibility, cultivation, sunshine, togetherness.
I love this life and I’m going to teach them how to love it too.
