It’s a bright Sunday afternoon and we’re at our nieces church to see her baptism. Eliot loves visiting our family’s church, because he loves seeing his cousins, of course… but I think he mostly loves that there is a trunk full of sporty toys and he’s allowed to play freely in the fenced yard. It’s a rare occasion that we’re here so I’m trying to catch up with people, but Eliot keeps coming to grab my hand.
“Momma, let’s play baseball.”
I can’t say no to his pleading hazel eyes, even though he’s absolutely terrible at baseball, and it’s scorching in this summer sun with no shade. I throw the ball probably 1000 times (it feels this way) and then slip inside again for conversation. He’s only appeased momentarily.
“Momma, come back, play baseball.”
Ok… let’s go sweat some more.
It’s a dance, we’re right in the middle of it—and I’m doing most of the work. Not only am I lead in this scenario, but it appears my dance partner is just stepping on my feet. Not only do I have to pitch the ball to him, but when he misses it —which is most of the time— I have to retrieve it, then go back and pitch it again.
Basically, Eliot stands there swinging the bat hoping for a miracle. I’m not annoyed that he keeps missing the ball, but it is a little disappointing that he doesn’t seem to have any skill in this area. Maybe I wouldn’t notice if I wasn’t walking across this yard a hundred times…
Even still, I’m his biggest cheerleader. Every time he swings and misses, I yell out, as heartily as I can, some variation of,
“ALMOST! Great job!”
“Almost! You almost got it that time!”
“Great swing, buddy! Almost!”
He is just as happy when I cheer for him and his “almosts” as he is when he actually hits the ball. He is so proud of his attempts and I am so proud of him.
My parenting is not research led; I’m not reading papers to inform my choices on how to be a mom to my children, but every now and then something comes up that teaches me and really sticks.
Like recently, I learned about the work of psychologist, Carol S. Dweck. Her research shows us why children should be celebrated for their attempts —rather than just when they get something right! It’s a gut feeling I think all moms have anyway. We naturally want to praise our kids for trying, and it’s cool to understand why that matters.
Children praised for their tries instead of only their successes are more likely to develop a growth mindset. A growth mindset meaning: our children are more likely to believe that their abilities can be nurtured and improved through practice.
In her work, the children praised for their attempts to answer questions in their classroom, tried MORE than kids praised only for correct answers.
Praising a child for trying encourages them to view failures as opportunities to learn, instead of something to be embarrassed of
Obviously, this mindset has profound implications on how we and our kids will approach trying things.
I have the opportunity as a mom to teach my boys that success is not solely determined by getting things right, but by the dedication and determination they invest in what they’re doing.
I want to communicate that my boys are capable, that their efforts matter, and that I am steadfastly supporting them every step (and every failure) along the way. I want be the mom cheering Eliot on for his attempts so that he keeps trying.
I can’t even remember all the times I haven’t done something because I haven’t wanted to be bad at it, because I haven’t wanted to embarrass myself, I haven’t wanted to fail.
I want my home to be a place where my kids can try, that it won’t even cross their minds to be embarrassed of the things they don’t get right.
Because failing is just a part of trying, and trying makes life a whole lot more fun.
A few evenings after that hot, baseball-filled Sunday afternoon, after I tucked him into bed and was beginning to leave his room, Eliot called out, in his tiny 3 year old voice,
“mem-member, mom? mem-member baseball? mem-member almost??”
He’s still so proud of his almosts. Ohhh, yes, baby. I mem-member. I’m glad you do. I love you. Good job trying.
